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Feb. 12th, 2009

Silly me...I thought things were better.  We're still about as broke as we have been.  Sure, we have money now, but it turns out its already been marked for spending...fucking car payments.  I also got the confidence building news that Jason's mother is as broke as we are...heard something about her bouncing a check recently.  I have my asthma doctor on my ass about money that I can't give them.  The joy of yesterday was too fleeting.  Yesterday was a good day, a day where I wasn't stressed as hell, wasn't terrified, wasn't falling apart.  I know things really aren't as bad as they were, at least there will be a little money coming it...even though it willhave to be spent almost as soon as we get it.

*curls up in a corner*


Thankfully, things aren't quite as shitty as they have been.  Our finances are still pretty bad, but we finally have the chance to start trying to get things fixed again.  Jason started working a few days ago.  An old friend of ours helped him get a job at the movie theater he works at.  Its not a management position, so hours and pay aren't going to be that great, but its a step in the right direction.  He likes it so far, aside from having to sit through a REALLY bad movie four times so he could keep track of the 3-D glasses the viewers were using.

I just got back in school today.  I had to retake their placement test last week and met up with the online instructor to get my password and get a reminder that the minimum required time has been increased to six hours a week.  I'm not happy about the increase in the time requirement because I've hit the point where I'm just bored with the damn class.  I got kicked out the first time because I simply couldn't stand to look at the damn lessons since I'd already worked through the math unit twice.  It should be interesting...I guess.  When I went for testing, I got the irritating news that my scores for the two official tests I took a while back have been misplaced, and, as of my visit today, still haven't been found.  I am most displeased by this news.  If I absolutely have to retake them, so be it, but I really don't want to because I've done it, and scored quite well on both of them.  I don't want to have to worry about trying to schedule time for those two tests and have to make sure I have a ride when I have other tests I need to focus on.

I did look into going on disability, but I don't qualify...something about me having not worked enough.  Talk of SSI came up, but I'm yet to do anything about it.  I would still rather have a job.  I even have a few places in mind that are close to where Jason works, which would, hopefully, make things easier with transportation.  I'm yet to get applications from any of the places, but that is in the plans for this week or early next week.

I'm still trying to fight off the thoughts that pushed me into that rough crash.  The thoughts are still there, just not as loud.  I've almost lost a bit of support, thanks to the reception peoples dropping the ball with my therapy appointments.  At this point, I've got about a week and a half to wait, but this will be after a month of no appointments. 

I don't know how long this clarity and relative calmish mindset will last.  I'm trying to take advantage of it as much as I can, though.  I'm still limited in what I can do, but not feeling like I'm about to lose my mind makes it easier for me to enjoy things.  Today's events helped as well.  After my appointment at the school, Jason and I took in a movie and had dinner with lots and lots of wonderfully geeky (movie and anime geek) conversation with a couple of friends.

Its either early or really late (depends on how you want to look at it), so I need to get some sleep.
Yes, I'm whining yet again.  There's too much shit going on.  I'd make these entries private, but it would do me no good.  I need to at least feel like I'm telling someone.  Most of the time, this is as close as I can get to talking to anyone since I don't have many people I can turn to anymore.  It makes me feel just a tiny bit less alone in all this...alone is the very last thing I need to feel right now...feeling alone for too long usually causes me to either do bad things to myself or want to do bad things to myself or cause me to want to destroy every solid object around me.  I do appreciate the support I have gotten from those of you who have tried to help, or at least offer comfort.

I'll at least try to start putting this stuff behind a cut for those of you who don't need any more of my shit.

Let the ranting begin...Collapse )


There has been a lot going on, some good, some bad. I suffered through thanksgiving at my mother's...I should have just stayed home. I get to suffer through being there all over again for xmas. I don't even like the damn holiday, but I keep finding myself participating in activities that deal with it. The only holiday crap I care about getting into is watching the grinch and maybe seeing trans-siberian orchestra.

I was busy for a good bit of last month, which was nice. After the store closed down, I had two shows to light. The pageant was ok...dull as hell, but still ok. The other show was a musical. I had one day to try to pull together a lighting design. It was the first time I had to light a musical by myself, which made things stressful as hell. Jason ended up helping me with it...I don't think the show would have been lit if he hadn't been there to help me design and try to keep me calm. By the last show, I was fine...multitasking, filling in as stage manager, running lights.

After the business of the shows, I was able to get out a few times to hit a couple of concerts. They were much needed nights out that let me catch up with an old friend. There was even a new experience...I'd like to go back to Saturday to fix that one. I enjoyed it, but really think my awkwardness screwed it up, thus leading to disappointment.

Now that the shows are over and there really isn't going to be anything going on for a while, I'm stuck with myself again. I've had so many thoughts racing through my head. Still no jobs. I don't know what's going on with Jason since he hardly tells me when something is going on with him. I just know he tends to favor spending time at Jamie's. I'm watching the money from the shows slip away, knowing I have to come up with money for my asthma med in a couple of weeks, and not knowing when we'll have more. I've been looking, but have had no luck. I wish I could say the same for Jason, but I don't think he's even been trying.

I got to see my therapist for the first time in a few weeks today. That hour seemed to go by entirely too quickly. I didn't realize how badly I needed that time to talk. Unfortunately, it broke the state of semi numbness that I had been working on for a while. I'm back to thinking too much. He brought up disability and meds again. Its been a little while since he had talked about either of them. I was debating them before, but stopped when I started working and started slipping back to being ok, despite the enormous amount of stress I was under. I don't know what to do. The only reason I'd even consider disability is for the money, not because I can't work. Yes, I have my issues. Yes, those issues can tear me apart, make me non-functioning, cause me to hurt myself, make me want to destroy things, make me angry for no reason...but, I can still work. Since we're going broke again, we need money coming in. Going on disability would bring in some amount of cash...once the state stops dragging its feet (this state is one of the worst with dealing with that kind of stuff). As far as the meds go, I don't want to be on meds. I've tried two and they did bad things to me. I don't want to have to go through that roulette game of one med after another, of side effect after side effect. When you add dosing issues due to my low weight, and my fear of meds in general, its just easier for me not to bother with chemical support for my mental dysfunctions.

I know I'm rambling, but I need to get it out. Keeping everything to myself when I'm thinking too much can be a dangerous thing.

Just because...

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In January I stole keikai_ookami's purse (-30 points). Last week I punched ladykali69 in the arm (-10 points). Last Monday I ate my brussel sprouts (1 points). In June I helped darkdanny hide a body (-173 points). Last Saturday I broke rayven_phatonis's X-Box (-12 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-224 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:
So, life has been a bit interesting lately. First off, I'm no longer working. The store closed on the 2nd, and we spend the next week cleaning, doing inventory, packing up, and taking the store apart. Friday was my last day. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about work, but I plan to start looking soon. I have a friend at a local movie theater who is willing to put a good word in for me there if I need him to.

Friday night was the anual Gecko House post-Halloween/Guy Fawks party. While it was a bit less wild than most other gecko parties, it was still great. The electronics smash was glorious, the fire dancing was nifty, and watching people getting set on fire was really awesome. I finally got my turn at being lit up...wow. Its a strange feeling, being topless amid a crowd of people where you know maybe 7 or 8 people and having parts of you being lit on fire. It was an awesome experience, though...flame play very good =D A friend got video of it...I may post it on here later.

After trying to recover from Friday night, Saturday was a busy night as well. Things managed to work out for me to go to the Anders Manga show in Raleigh. It was a good night...the show was great, as always, I got to hang out with my friends, got great pics, and got to see a friend that I haven't seen in way too long.

After having a lay around day yesterday, I've got more business up ahead. I'm going to be working all week on a pagent at one of the high schools...yay for high school kids who think they know what they're doing when they don't know shit and for ancient lighting equipment lol. I've to a musical to work on next week, but its looking like it won't take up the whole week. I'm a little nervous about that one since this will be the first musical I've had to design for. I've been designing for pagents and recitals just fine for around a year, but I'm usually the lighting assistant for the big stuff. It will be a learning experience, that's for sure.

Amid all of they trying not to eat the souls of the kids that give me problems, I've still got to find time to get together with a friend to do a photo shoot. We've postponed it again and again because of my work schedule. I feel bad for making him wait for so long.

Dammit, I just realized the time...I need to pull myself away from the interwebz so I can get ready to deal with the school peoples.

Nov. 6th, 2008

Friday is my last day at work. Sunday was the last day we were open to the public. We've been working on getting the store ready for inventory, cleaning, and taking things apart. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got two shows coming up, one next week, another the week after.

I'm worried about money, as usual. To make matters worse with money, I have to buy more of my asthma med...had to shell out money to see the doctor so I could get a new script for it today...like our bank account really needed that hit. If I hadn't taken the last of my med Monday, I wouldn't stress it as much.

My sleep has been all over the place, especially since I've been sick the past couple of days. I should be asleep right now, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I need the numbness that exhaustion brings. The problem with that is I have to be at work at 8 in the morning for inventory...I feel sorry for the people who are coming in to do inventory if they're late. Part of me wants to just not show up for the last two days, but I won't get my end of season bonus if I quit...not to mention it wouldn't reflect very well on me for next year.

Still feel like going after myself, but I'd be breaking one of my personal rules if I did it right now. I make it a point not to cut if I'm sick since my body is already working to recover from illness and doesn't need the extra work load.

I've got few options ahead of me right now. I am thinking about looking into the movie theater, but its not like its a guarantee.
A week and a half. That's how much longer the store is going to be open. I may have another week after that, which will involve boxing up everything that didn't sell and generally dismantling the store. I don't know what I'm going to do. I got an offer to go back to spencer's to work the xmas season, but I don't know if that would work or not. As much as the place drove me crazy, I know I'd do just fine in there. The problems comes with transportation. With the issues we've been having with the car, we're not sure if it would hold out to drive to and from greensboro so often.

I'm still stressed, but not as much as I was just last week. Well, its a different kind of stress, but the level is pretty similar. I finally said something to Jason, but not much has come from it. There have been improvements, so its better than nothing. It just helped to let him know I needed him to do more. Now I have the stress of the unknown, of fearing going completely broke again, of how we'll be able to do anything after I lose my job.

I had planned on looking for another job at this point, but I have two shows coming up at the end of next month. I don't think any employer would look too favorably on a new hire asking for time off so soon.

I'm hoping sleep will help how I'm feeling right now. I was tired and frustrated (it was a night of one issue after another at work tonight), but still ok. Suddenly, the depression popped up. If I can't pull it together, work is going to be rough tomorrow night.

So much to think about. So much to figure out. Too much to deal with on my own, but that's what I'm stuck with.