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I don't even know why I'm posting.  I guess I need some semblance of contact right now. 

I did go out with friends for a bit, but it did little to help.  I'm really glad I got to see them again.  I just can't stop thinking, but yet I can't think.  I know that doesn't make much sense.  I can't think, but the only things that keep going through my head are memories of my grandparents and thoughts of what their graves will look like.  Mom called earlier to tell me the arrangements, and I was right about the locations.  The funeral is tomorrow, but I can't go because of it being that far away, but I'm ok with that...I couldn't handle going.  Monday will be a graveside service, which I will be going to.  I'm almost afraid of how I'll handle it.  I'll either lose it or go numb--since I'll be around my family, my old instinct of hiding my emotions will probably kick in (it used to be a survival method).  I keep trying to find other things to think about, but its not working right now.

Whenever I can afford it (who knows how long it will take), and can pull together a design, I'll be getting another tattoo.  Its only fitting that I get one for her since I have one for my grandfather...they were two EXTREMELY important people in my life.  Thankfully, the tattoo artist I always go to will give me a good price for it.

Between this and the bad crash I was already dealing with, its a miracle I'm managing to keep myself fed, and even more of a miracle I've been able to pull myself out of bed.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about meds when I see him at the end of the month...I'd like to talk to him now, but I question how much he'll be able to do for me right now.

I fucking hate how I feel right now.

I don't know...I just fucking don't know.  I want to scream, to cry, to curl up in someone's arms.  At the same time, I want to just not think about it, to not feel any of this, to pretend like it didn't happen.  I know the latter isn't healthy, and I know everything will come back to bite me later if I can manage to do those things.  I know very well what that's like, it happened when my grandfather died.  Why does this have to hurt so much?

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
caermon
Jul. 19th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
You are not annoying and you are loved.
misery_lugosi
Jul. 19th, 2009 06:52 pm (UTC)
thanks
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )