I don't even know why I'm posting.  I guess I need some semblance of contact right now. 

I did go out with friends for a bit, but it did little to help.  I'm really glad I got to see them again.  I just can't stop thinking, but yet I can't think.  I know that doesn't make much sense.  I can't think, but the only things that keep going through my head are memories of my grandparents and thoughts of what their graves will look like.  Mom called earlier to tell me the arrangements, and I was right about the locations.  The funeral is tomorrow, but I can't go because of it being that far away, but I'm ok with that...I couldn't handle going.  Monday will be a graveside service, which I will be going to.  I'm almost afraid of how I'll handle it.  I'll either lose it or go numb--since I'll be around my family, my old instinct of hiding my emotions will probably kick in (it used to be a survival method).  I keep trying to find other things to think about, but its not working right now.

Whenever I can afford it (who knows how long it will take), and can pull together a design, I'll be getting another tattoo.  Its only fitting that I get one for her since I have one for my grandfather...they were two EXTREMELY important people in my life.  Thankfully, the tattoo artist I always go to will give me a good price for it.

Between this and the bad crash I was already dealing with, its a miracle I'm managing to keep myself fed, and even more of a miracle I've been able to pull myself out of bed.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about meds when I see him at the end of the month...I'd like to talk to him now, but I question how much he'll be able to do for me right now.

I fucking hate how I feel right now.

I don't know...I just fucking don't know.  I want to scream, to cry, to curl up in someone's arms.  At the same time, I want to just not think about it, to not feel any of this, to pretend like it didn't happen.  I know the latter isn't healthy, and I know everything will come back to bite me later if I can manage to do those things.  I know very well what that's like, it happened when my grandfather died.  Why does this have to hurt so much?

There's really nothing to update on...I just felt like writing for a few minutes.

Arrangements are being made for my grandmother, and I'll probably hear about them sometime later today.  I do already know the funeral will be in Morganton--up in the mountains, where she grew up and where she died--but she will be buried here, in Burlington, next to my grandfather.  I still can't get the image of what that's going to look like out of my head.  I still want to cry every time it runs through my mind.  I ended up going to my mother's for a few hours yesterday (for those of you who know what my relationship with her is like, you should realize how much it says that I chose to be around her and her inviting me over).  So far I've managed to keep myself together (if you can call it that) today, and will be keeping plans I made last week with a friend.  I'm still very, very numb, and tired.  I got sleep, but it took me staying awake until I was too exhausted to think or do anything to make sure I wouldn't dream.  I don't think I could deal with dreaming of her, my grandfather, or any of the time I spent with them.

Thanks to those of you who have given your support in this.  I love you guys.

Shortly after waking up today, I got a call from my mother telling me my grandmother died around lunchtime today.  I am not good.  The shock and breakdowns have passed, and the reality has set in, bringing about a state of partial numbness.  The numbness is probably a good thing right now--I don't need another "break with reality, shrieking, crying" type of breakdown.  I now have one living grandparent.  I spent most of my life, up until my parents split up, with my grandparents on my father's side--spent every weekend with them since I was a baby.  The last person with ties to almost the only truly happy memories from my childhood is gone.

So, I've been bitten by the plague monkey, well, it moreover gnawed on me a bit. Thankfully, the worst of my symptoms has been the occasional sneeze and sniffles. I've been downing hot tea (*pouts* I want my green tea) constantly over the past couple of days, which always helps. I just hope its gone by the weekend...I don't want to have to reschedule things again.

I'm still not pleased with school. I'm yet to do any work on it since I've been feeling craptastic, but its still been eating away at me. I just feel really clueless as to how to handle things.

Bleh...I need sleep and a decent meal

Even though I haven't been talking about it much lately, I'm still trying to work on school...still the GED stuffs. I should have long since been finished by now, but keep having setbacks and scheduling issues, and losing momentum. I made another attempt to take the writing pretest yesterday. I say another because I got frustrated and walked out halfway through on my first attempt. I got through the first half of the test with no problems at all both times(easy stuff...sentence structure, grammar, etc), but its the last part of it, an essay, that screws me. I'm a writer...at least I used to be. It makes no fucking sense as to why I cannot seem to put together a simple essay. Sure, both of the topics that have been thrown at me have been......let's say lacking, but I should be able to pull something together. Its not that I don't know how to write an essay. Its my mind, and the oppressive silence of the room that seems to have a hand in screwing me. Silence has never been a good thing for me, it makes me crazy because I can hear every little thought that runs through my head and its way too distracting. When I do get a lead on something to write, I just end up thinking myself in circles and getting frustrated and overwhelmed.

Thankfully, the teacher is a really nice and patient guy, who really seems to want to see me get through this. He sat with me for at least half an hour (probably more) going over possible ideas for me to write about. I'm really thankful he has been so willing to work with me. I've only seen a few teachers who really seemed to care about their students...I'm glad I found one of them for this.

At this point, I'm really afraid of passing this thing. Yes, the goal is to score high enough on it so that I can take the official version, but I'm really afraid I'll have a repeat of the pretests. If it does happen, I can't keep rescheduling and have the option of coming up with the essay at home. Arg I hate being so conflicted!!! I want to pass these tests. I'm tired of working on it and I would like to take other classes.

I managed to make it through Aladdin. Despite the rough, bullshit filled, rehearsals, the performances went pretty well. Now I have the "joy" of trying to catch up on school stuffs before I have to start working on my next show this weekend. Thankfully, the show this weekend is a very small, two day, thing. I'll be pretty much up to my armpits in kids *shudders* and won't be able to snarl at them if they piss me off enough (side note: I made it through Aladdin without having to scream at anyone, and most of them responded to my "everyone gets nice once, and forceful nice once before the yelling begins" rule). Why so many kids? The show is a recital for vocal and dance classes. These shows tend to be pretty easy since the only important thing about the lights is just having them bright enough for the parents to see their kids. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for a lighting crew...I'm just glad I have a couple of possible volunteers.

School is pissing me off...yet again.  I've taken a break from working on the math section since I have to complete at least one chapter in each subject to be able to take the tests (I really question that one because I skipped the classes for the two subjects I've already taken the official tests for, but whatever).  I've been trying to work on the writing section, but its kicking my ass.  That REALLY pisses me off.  I used to write all of the time...if I didn't have my nose stuck in a book, I was writing.  I understand why its kicking my ass (I was advised to work on the section about essays since that was the part of the test I walked out on).  This essay lesson describes breaking down everything into individual steps, as opposed to just writing a damn essay.  I can't do that.  I have never, ever planned anything I've ever written.  I just write.  I've hit the point of skipping the lessons themselves and just doing the work involved...its helping a tiny bit.

I need to get off my ass and find something to do...bored as fuck.  I got so used to being busy in the past two weeks that doing nothing is driving me nuts.


One quick note:  After talking to Jason the other day, it turns out a plan is going to be set in motion to get us back to Greensboro, hopefully by this time next year, if not sooner.  Nothing is definate right now, just in the planning stage, but its something to hope for.  It was the first time we've seriously discussed getting the hell out of his mother's house.

The show is finally starting to come along pretty well. Its still stressful, and not everything is worked out, but its getting there. I have mostly completed my lighting design--all that's really left is to tweak a few scenes and to try an idea for another. I'm, honestly, a bit shocked I've gotten this much done so early on. I usually freeze up and get stuck, as far as ideas go, so I'm happy for the change.

Things are still pretty chaotic in there given the too small tech crew to move around set pieces, people working spotlights and balcony lights who really don't know what they're doing, people running late, and your usual hand full of divas.  Even with us being so short handed, we're managing.

Ugh, so tired.  I showed up at the school still tired from yesterday, and ran the whole day on half a can of pringles.  I usually consume more junk food than I should when I work on shows, but it usually involves more actual food....being broke sucks.  Fear not, I got food when I got home and will do a bit of grocery shopping soon.

I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm not really sure how I am, other than tired.  I've been way too busy to really notice.  I mean, I know I'm stressed as hell when I'm at the school (rehearsals always stress me out because the whole auditorium is a sea of stress), and I know I'm still stressed about the things I've been stressed about in my life, but I'm not sure how I am besides that.  One could say being unsure of how I am amid my busy schedule is a good thing, but it really bothers me to know there is something going on within me, but not really knowing what it is.

I think my fatigue is causing me to ramble a bit...its about bed time.

I just got back from rehearsal and I have one thing to say:  

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH  Highschool kids everywhere, nothing going right, stupid people AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Here I go again, about to dive into the sea of puberty with another show. Its time for the spring musical at the school again, but there's a difference this year. This is the first year I get to take the lead and design lights. I've designed and ran lights for pageants (boring) and recitals, and for one other musical, but this is a first for me. The spring musical is a big deal at the school, a collaboration between the dance, drama, and choral classes. I'm a bit nervous about it because it is such a big deal. If this was supposed to be something smaller, like a recital (I've got to work on one of those in a couple of weeks, too), it wouldn't be as much of a big deal, but lighting is more important in a show like this. In a recital or even a pageant, the only real important thing is for the parents to be able to see their kids on stage, but for a real show, lighting can make or break a scene. I'm comforted in the fact that I'll have my usual lighting assistant...he knows what he's doing and is good at it (he's saved my ass a few times when I got stuck for a design here and there), and the choice of shows. They're doing Aladdin this year...seems that the Disney theme from last year's Beauty and the Beast stuck. While there will be obvious difference between this and the Disney version, there should be enough similiarity for me to work with.

The big downside to this show, other than my usual transportation issues, is most of the students I've gotten used to working with over the past couple of years graduated last year. That means there will be a whole new group of people who I don't know and who don't know how I work. I have a new group to teach my 'everyone gets nice once' rule. I try not to turn into a mega bitch when working on a show, but, if they won't listen when I try to be nice, it means they won't listen unless I'm a bitch. They don't know that if they piss me off they either get bad lights or they dance in the dark. I really don't want to have to threaten to eat a few souls quite yet. I also have the feeling I will probably have to act as a stage manager as well. I really don't like that. I'm happy to help out with whatever is needed, but I don't like having to wrangle actors, call times, make sure props are where they need to be, or be in charge of the mics. I ended up having to do it on the last show I worked on, and did pretty well, but I just don't need the added stress quite yet...maybe next week, after I have the lights taken care of.

As I say with many of my endeavors, this will be, if anything, interesting. I am glad I have another chance to work with lighting, and this will be a new challenge for me, which isn't all bad. Hell, I'll probably bring my camera along so I can try to work on my photography a bit when there is a lull in the chaos.

On a less stressful note...
I actually found something that sort of works as stress relief...holy shit!  I've tried a number of things to try to relax, or at least calm down when irritated, but nothing had worked.  I was irritated over still not having my rehearsal schedule yesterday and decided to spend a little time out in the yard with my camera.  Aside from it being a bit too hot, and way too bright, it was enjoyable.  I've wanted to work on a bit of photography for a couple of months, but was lazy about it, or couldn't find a good time to do it.  Things sort of worked yesterday, Jason was at work, and, more importantly, his mother was out of state for the day, so I could go out without having to deal with questions (mostly from her).  After maybe an hour of taking pics of the trees, various plants, and whatever else struck me as interesting, and trying not to get dive bombed by the bees, I felt a lot better, and rather pleased with the overall results. 

So much going on lately...
For starters, I went to the final Purgatory Saturday and had a blast. I finally got to see neootaku for the first time in almost a year...it had been way too long since we got to see each other. I brought along the Russell after playing clothing designer for him, which was great (I owe him big time for being my hero when I fainted...if not for him, I probably would have gotten stepped on...many times). My friend, Mitch, even made the drive all the way from PA for this. It was so fantastic finally getting to meet him after knowing him for so long. A good time was had by all. Russell and Mitch got a set of fangs made...quite sexy on both of them, might I add. It was just so great seeing people I haven't seen in WAY too long, getting the hell out of the mother in-law's house, and taking in all of the eye candy...I wanted to kidnap a few of the cute girls to bring back to the hotel. Yeah, yeah, I know...bad Mel--I should be punished for the wicked thoughts. Aside from my momentary lapse of consciousness, the only thing I didn't enjoy was Jason not being there...he had to work, and the club scene really isn't his thing.  I did miss out on a bit of the fun simply because I was so distracted by everything, and I took up my usual babysitter stance (I always have to know the people I with me are ok, and I have to make sure at least one of them is nearby so the social anxiety doesn't kick my ass).

Now that I'm back to the usual dull routine. I'm trying to find the motivation to work on school, which is not going as well as I would like for it to. I plan to really start working toward getting my license soonish...it may have to just be a permit right now, but I'll take what I can get. I'm also hoping to find steady work soon. I've still got my occasional lighting jobs, which I enjoy doing, but its not enough.

I'm also trying to prepare for lighting two back to back shows. I'm nervous as hell about one of them since it is the musical of the year for the school I work through, and I pretty much get to fly solo on it. I'm used to being an assistant with these big shows, not the designer/stage manager/brat finder. To make things even more fun, most of the students who know not to piss me off and who have grown to respect me in there graduated last year, which means I have a whole new crop to put the fear of The Mel into. I'm really not that bad...I just get overstressed when working on a show, I don't need it added to by silly high school kids who haven't learned how to listen to anyone, or the divas...ugh, don't get me started on them. So I go into bitch mode and threaten to eat a few souls...I at least give them one warning before I start snarling. The second show won't be as bad, it will only be a commitment of a few days, and will be a dance/vocal recital. They tend to be on the dull side, but are easy to light.

I'm also hoping to get things worked out for another photo shoot.  Things really need to stop getting in the way.  I actually want to be in front of a camera again.

Silly me...I thought things were better.  We're still about as broke as we have been.  Sure, we have money now, but it turns out its already been marked for spending...fucking car payments.  I also got the confidence building news that Jason's mother is as broke as we are...heard something about her bouncing a check recently.  I have my asthma doctor on my ass about money that I can't give them.  The joy of yesterday was too fleeting.  Yesterday was a good day, a day where I wasn't stressed as hell, wasn't terrified, wasn't falling apart.  I know things really aren't as bad as they were, at least there will be a little money coming it...even though it willhave to be spent almost as soon as we get it.


*curls up in a corner*

Thankfully, things aren't quite as shitty as they have been.  Our finances are still pretty bad, but we finally have the chance to start trying to get things fixed again.  Jason started working a few days ago.  An old friend of ours helped him get a job at the movie theater he works at.  Its not a management position, so hours and pay aren't going to be that great, but its a step in the right direction.  He likes it so far, aside from having to sit through a REALLY bad movie four times so he could keep track of the 3-D glasses the viewers were using.

I just got back in school today.  I had to retake their placement test last week and met up with the online instructor to get my password and get a reminder that the minimum required time has been increased to six hours a week.  I'm not happy about the increase in the time requirement because I've hit the point where I'm just bored with the damn class.  I got kicked out the first time because I simply couldn't stand to look at the damn lessons since I'd already worked through the math unit twice.  It should be interesting...I guess.  When I went for testing, I got the irritating news that my scores for the two official tests I took a while back have been misplaced, and, as of my visit today, still haven't been found.  I am most displeased by this news.  If I absolutely have to retake them, so be it, but I really don't want to because I've done it, and scored quite well on both of them.  I don't want to have to worry about trying to schedule time for those two tests and have to make sure I have a ride when I have other tests I need to focus on.

I did look into going on disability, but I don't qualify...something about me having not worked enough.  Talk of SSI came up, but I'm yet to do anything about it.  I would still rather have a job.  I even have a few places in mind that are close to where Jason works, which would, hopefully, make things easier with transportation.  I'm yet to get applications from any of the places, but that is in the plans for this week or early next week.

I'm still trying to fight off the thoughts that pushed me into that rough crash.  The thoughts are still there, just not as loud.  I've almost lost a bit of support, thanks to the reception peoples dropping the ball with my therapy appointments.  At this point, I've got about a week and a half to wait, but this will be after a month of no appointments. 

I don't know how long this clarity and relative calmish mindset will last.  I'm trying to take advantage of it as much as I can, though.  I'm still limited in what I can do, but not feeling like I'm about to lose my mind makes it easier for me to enjoy things.  Today's events helped as well.  After my appointment at the school, Jason and I took in a movie and had dinner with lots and lots of wonderfully geeky (movie and anime geek) conversation with a couple of friends.

Its either early or really late (depends on how you want to look at it), so I need to get some sleep.

Yes, I'm whining yet again.  There's too much shit going on.  I'd make these entries private, but it would do me no good.  I need to at least feel like I'm telling someone.  Most of the time, this is as close as I can get to talking to anyone since I don't have many people I can turn to anymore.  It makes me feel just a tiny bit less alone in all this...alone is the very last thing I need to feel right now...feeling alone for too long usually causes me to either do bad things to myself or want to do bad things to myself or cause me to want to destroy every solid object around me.  I do appreciate the support I have gotten from those of you who have tried to help, or at least offer comfort.

I'll at least try to start putting this stuff behind a cut for those of you who don't need any more of my shit.


( Let the ranting begin... )

There has been a lot going on, some good, some bad. I suffered through thanksgiving at my mother's...I should have just stayed home. I get to suffer through being there all over again for xmas. I don't even like the damn holiday, but I keep finding myself participating in activities that deal with it. The only holiday crap I care about getting into is watching the grinch and maybe seeing trans-siberian orchestra.

I was busy for a good bit of last month, which was nice. After the store closed down, I had two shows to light. The pageant was ok...dull as hell, but still ok. The other show was a musical. I had one day to try to pull together a lighting design. It was the first time I had to light a musical by myself, which made things stressful as hell. Jason ended up helping me with it...I don't think the show would have been lit if he hadn't been there to help me design and try to keep me calm. By the last show, I was fine...multitasking, filling in as stage manager, running lights.

After the business of the shows, I was able to get out a few times to hit a couple of concerts. They were much needed nights out that let me catch up with an old friend. There was even a new experience...I'd like to go back to Saturday to fix that one. I enjoyed it, but really think my awkwardness screwed it up, thus leading to disappointment.

Now that the shows are over and there really isn't going to be anything going on for a while, I'm stuck with myself again. I've had so many thoughts racing through my head. Still no jobs. I don't know what's going on with Jason since he hardly tells me when something is going on with him. I just know he tends to favor spending time at Jamie's. I'm watching the money from the shows slip away, knowing I have to come up with money for my asthma med in a couple of weeks, and not knowing when we'll have more. I've been looking, but have had no luck. I wish I could say the same for Jason, but I don't think he's even been trying.

I got to see my therapist for the first time in a few weeks today. That hour seemed to go by entirely too quickly. I didn't realize how badly I needed that time to talk. Unfortunately, it broke the state of semi numbness that I had been working on for a while. I'm back to thinking too much. He brought up disability and meds again. Its been a little while since he had talked about either of them. I was debating them before, but stopped when I started working and started slipping back to being ok, despite the enormous amount of stress I was under. I don't know what to do. The only reason I'd even consider disability is for the money, not because I can't work. Yes, I have my issues. Yes, those issues can tear me apart, make me non-functioning, cause me to hurt myself, make me want to destroy things, make me angry for no reason...but, I can still work. Since we're going broke again, we need money coming in. Going on disability would bring in some amount of cash...once the state stops dragging its feet (this state is one of the worst with dealing with that kind of stuff). As far as the meds go, I don't want to be on meds. I've tried two and they did bad things to me. I don't want to have to go through that roulette game of one med after another, of side effect after side effect. When you add dosing issues due to my low weight, and my fear of meds in general, its just easier for me not to bother with chemical support for my mental dysfunctions.

I know I'm rambling, but I need to get it out. Keeping everything to myself when I'm thinking too much can be a dangerous thing.

So, life has been a bit interesting lately. First off, I'm no longer working. The store closed on the 2nd, and we spend the next week cleaning, doing inventory, packing up, and taking the store apart. Friday was my last day. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about work, but I plan to start looking soon. I have a friend at a local movie theater who is willing to put a good word in for me there if I need him to.

Friday night was the anual Gecko House post-Halloween/Guy Fawks party. While it was a bit less wild than most other gecko parties, it was still great. The electronics smash was glorious, the fire dancing was nifty, and watching people getting set on fire was really awesome. I finally got my turn at being lit up...wow. Its a strange feeling, being topless amid a crowd of people where you know maybe 7 or 8 people and having parts of you being lit on fire. It was an awesome experience, though...flame play very good =D A friend got video of it...I may post it on here later.

After trying to recover from Friday night, Saturday was a busy night as well. Things managed to work out for me to go to the Anders Manga show in Raleigh. It was a good night...the show was great, as always, I got to hang out with my friends, got great pics, and got to see a friend that I haven't seen in way too long.

After having a lay around day yesterday, I've got more business up ahead. I'm going to be working all week on a pagent at one of the high schools...yay for high school kids who think they know what they're doing when they don't know shit and for ancient lighting equipment lol. I've to a musical to work on next week, but its looking like it won't take up the whole week. I'm a little nervous about that one since this will be the first musical I've had to design for. I've been designing for pagents and recitals just fine for around a year, but I'm usually the lighting assistant for the big stuff. It will be a learning experience, that's for sure.

Amid all of they trying not to eat the souls of the kids that give me problems, I've still got to find time to get together with a friend to do a photo shoot. We've postponed it again and again because of my work schedule. I feel bad for making him wait for so long.

Dammit, I just realized the time...I need to pull myself away from the interwebz so I can get ready to deal with the school peoples.

Friday is my last day at work. Sunday was the last day we were open to the public. We've been working on getting the store ready for inventory, cleaning, and taking things apart. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got two shows coming up, one next week, another the week after.

I'm worried about money, as usual. To make matters worse with money, I have to buy more of my asthma med...had to shell out money to see the doctor so I could get a new script for it today...like our bank account really needed that hit. If I hadn't taken the last of my med Monday, I wouldn't stress it as much.

My sleep has been all over the place, especially since I've been sick the past couple of days. I should be asleep right now, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I need the numbness that exhaustion brings. The problem with that is I have to be at work at 8 in the morning for inventory...I feel sorry for the people who are coming in to do inventory if they're late. Part of me wants to just not show up for the last two days, but I won't get my end of season bonus if I quit...not to mention it wouldn't reflect very well on me for next year.

Still feel like going after myself, but I'd be breaking one of my personal rules if I did it right now. I make it a point not to cut if I'm sick since my body is already working to recover from illness and doesn't need the extra work load.

I've got few options ahead of me right now. I am thinking about looking into the movie theater, but its not like its a guarantee.

A week and a half. That's how much longer the store is going to be open. I may have another week after that, which will involve boxing up everything that didn't sell and generally dismantling the store. I don't know what I'm going to do. I got an offer to go back to spencer's to work the xmas season, but I don't know if that would work or not. As much as the place drove me crazy, I know I'd do just fine in there. The problems comes with transportation. With the issues we've been having with the car, we're not sure if it would hold out to drive to and from greensboro so often.

I'm still stressed, but not as much as I was just last week. Well, its a different kind of stress, but the level is pretty similar. I finally said something to Jason, but not much has come from it. There have been improvements, so its better than nothing. It just helped to let him know I needed him to do more. Now I have the stress of the unknown, of fearing going completely broke again, of how we'll be able to do anything after I lose my job.

I had planned on looking for another job at this point, but I have two shows coming up at the end of next month. I don't think any employer would look too favorably on a new hire asking for time off so soon.

I'm hoping sleep will help how I'm feeling right now. I was tired and frustrated (it was a night of one issue after another at work tonight), but still ok. Suddenly, the depression popped up. If I can't pull it together, work is going to be rough tomorrow night.

So much to think about. So much to figure out. Too much to deal with on my own, but that's what I'm stuck with.