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I don't even know why I'm posting.  I guess I need some semblance of contact right now. 

I did go out with friends for a bit, but it did little to help.  I'm really glad I got to see them again.  I just can't stop thinking, but yet I can't think.  I know that doesn't make much sense.  I can't think, but the only things that keep going through my head are memories of my grandparents and thoughts of what their graves will look like.  Mom called earlier to tell me the arrangements, and I was right about the locations.  The funeral is tomorrow, but I can't go because of it being that far away, but I'm ok with that...I couldn't handle going.  Monday will be a graveside service, which I will be going to.  I'm almost afraid of how I'll handle it.  I'll either lose it or go numb--since I'll be around my family, my old instinct of hiding my emotions will probably kick in (it used to be a survival method).  I keep trying to find other things to think about, but its not working right now.

Whenever I can afford it (who knows how long it will take), and can pull together a design, I'll be getting another tattoo.  Its only fitting that I get one for her since I have one for my grandfather...they were two EXTREMELY important people in my life.  Thankfully, the tattoo artist I always go to will give me a good price for it.

Between this and the bad crash I was already dealing with, its a miracle I'm managing to keep myself fed, and even more of a miracle I've been able to pull myself out of bed.  I'm going to talk to my therapist about meds when I see him at the end of the month...I'd like to talk to him now, but I question how much he'll be able to do for me right now.

I fucking hate how I feel right now.

I don't know...I just fucking don't know.  I want to scream, to cry, to curl up in someone's arms.  At the same time, I want to just not think about it, to not feel any of this, to pretend like it didn't happen.  I know the latter isn't healthy, and I know everything will come back to bite me later if I can manage to do those things.  I know very well what that's like, it happened when my grandfather died.  Why does this have to hurt so much?
There's really nothing to update on...I just felt like writing for a few minutes.

Arrangements are being made for my grandmother, and I'll probably hear about them sometime later today.  I do already know the funeral will be in Morganton--up in the mountains, where she grew up and where she died--but she will be buried here, in Burlington, next to my grandfather.  I still can't get the image of what that's going to look like out of my head.  I still want to cry every time it runs through my mind.  I ended up going to my mother's for a few hours yesterday (for those of you who know what my relationship with her is like, you should realize how much it says that I chose to be around her and her inviting me over).  So far I've managed to keep myself together (if you can call it that) today, and will be keeping plans I made last week with a friend.  I'm still very, very numb, and tired.  I got sleep, but it took me staying awake until I was too exhausted to think or do anything to make sure I wouldn't dream.  I don't think I could deal with dreaming of her, my grandfather, or any of the time I spent with them.

Thanks to those of you who have given your support in this.  I love you guys.

From bad to worse

Shortly after waking up today, I got a call from my mother telling me my grandmother died around lunchtime today.  I am not good.  The shock and breakdowns have passed, and the reality has set in, bringing about a state of partial numbness.  The numbness is probably a good thing right now--I don't need another "break with reality, shrieking, crying" type of breakdown.  I now have one living grandparent.  I spent most of my life, up until my parents split up, with my grandparents on my father's side--spent every weekend with them since I was a baby.  The last person with ties to almost the only truly happy memories from my childhood is gone.
So, I've been bitten by the plague monkey, well, it moreover gnawed on me a bit. Thankfully, the worst of my symptoms has been the occasional sneeze and sniffles. I've been downing hot tea (*pouts* I want my green tea) constantly over the past couple of days, which always helps. I just hope its gone by the weekend...I don't want to have to reschedule things again.

I'm still not pleased with school. I'm yet to do any work on it since I've been feeling craptastic, but its still been eating away at me. I just feel really clueless as to how to handle things.

Bleh...I need sleep and a decent meal

School shite

Even though I haven't been talking about it much lately, I'm still trying to work on school...still the GED stuffs. I should have long since been finished by now, but keep having setbacks and scheduling issues, and losing momentum. I made another attempt to take the writing pretest yesterday. I say another because I got frustrated and walked out halfway through on my first attempt. I got through the first half of the test with no problems at all both times(easy stuff...sentence structure, grammar, etc), but its the last part of it, an essay, that screws me. I'm a writer...at least I used to be. It makes no fucking sense as to why I cannot seem to put together a simple essay. Sure, both of the topics that have been thrown at me have been......let's say lacking, but I should be able to pull something together. Its not that I don't know how to write an essay. Its my mind, and the oppressive silence of the room that seems to have a hand in screwing me. Silence has never been a good thing for me, it makes me crazy because I can hear every little thought that runs through my head and its way too distracting. When I do get a lead on something to write, I just end up thinking myself in circles and getting frustrated and overwhelmed.

Thankfully, the teacher is a really nice and patient guy, who really seems to want to see me get through this. He sat with me for at least half an hour (probably more) going over possible ideas for me to write about. I'm really thankful he has been so willing to work with me. I've only seen a few teachers who really seemed to care about their students...I'm glad I found one of them for this.

At this point, I'm really afraid of passing this thing. Yes, the goal is to score high enough on it so that I can take the official version, but I'm really afraid I'll have a repeat of the pretests. If it does happen, I can't keep rescheduling and have the option of coming up with the essay at home. Arg I hate being so conflicted!!! I want to pass these tests. I'm tired of working on it and I would like to take other classes.
I managed to make it through Aladdin. Despite the rough, bullshit filled, rehearsals, the performances went pretty well. Now I have the "joy" of trying to catch up on school stuffs before I have to start working on my next show this weekend. Thankfully, the show this weekend is a very small, two day, thing. I'll be pretty much up to my armpits in kids *shudders* and won't be able to snarl at them if they piss me off enough (side note: I made it through Aladdin without having to scream at anyone, and most of them responded to my "everyone gets nice once, and forceful nice once before the yelling begins" rule). Why so many kids? The show is a recital for vocal and dance classes. These shows tend to be pretty easy since the only important thing about the lights is just having them bright enough for the parents to see their kids. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for a lighting crew...I'm just glad I have a couple of possible volunteers.

School is pissing me off...yet again.  I've taken a break from working on the math section since I have to complete at least one chapter in each subject to be able to take the tests (I really question that one because I skipped the classes for the two subjects I've already taken the official tests for, but whatever).  I've been trying to work on the writing section, but its kicking my ass.  That REALLY pisses me off.  I used to write all of the time...if I didn't have my nose stuck in a book, I was writing.  I understand why its kicking my ass (I was advised to work on the section about essays since that was the part of the test I walked out on).  This essay lesson describes breaking down everything into individual steps, as opposed to just writing a damn essay.  I can't do that.  I have never, ever planned anything I've ever written.  I just write.  I've hit the point of skipping the lessons themselves and just doing the work involved...its helping a tiny bit.

I need to get off my ass and find something to do...bored as fuck.  I got so used to being busy in the past two weeks that doing nothing is driving me nuts.

One quick note:  After talking to Jason the other day, it turns out a plan is going to be set in motion to get us back to Greensboro, hopefully by this time next year, if not sooner.  Nothing is definate right now, just in the planning stage, but its something to hope for.  It was the first time we've seriously discussed getting the hell out of his mother's house.
The show is finally starting to come along pretty well. Its still stressful, and not everything is worked out, but its getting there. I have mostly completed my lighting design--all that's really left is to tweak a few scenes and to try an idea for another. I'm, honestly, a bit shocked I've gotten this much done so early on. I usually freeze up and get stuck, as far as ideas go, so I'm happy for the change.

Things are still pretty chaotic in there given the too small tech crew to move around set pieces, people working spotlights and balcony lights who really don't know what they're doing, people running late, and your usual hand full of divas.  Even with us being so short handed, we're managing.

Ugh, so tired.  I showed up at the school still tired from yesterday, and ran the whole day on half a can of pringles.  I usually consume more junk food than I should when I work on shows, but it usually involves more actual food....being broke sucks.  Fear not, I got food when I got home and will do a bit of grocery shopping soon.

I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm not really sure how I am, other than tired.  I've been way too busy to really notice.  I mean, I know I'm stressed as hell when I'm at the school (rehearsals always stress me out because the whole auditorium is a sea of stress), and I know I'm still stressed about the things I've been stressed about in my life, but I'm not sure how I am besides that.  One could say being unsure of how I am amid my busy schedule is a good thing, but it really bothers me to know there is something going on within me, but not really knowing what it is.

I think my fatigue is causing me to ramble a bit...its about bed time.


Apr. 27th, 2009

I just got back from rehearsal and I have one thing to say:  

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH  Highschool kids everywhere, nothing going right, stupid people AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Its that time again...

Here I go again, about to dive into the sea of puberty with another show. Its time for the spring musical at the school again, but there's a difference this year. This is the first year I get to take the lead and design lights. I've designed and ran lights for pageants (boring) and recitals, and for one other musical, but this is a first for me. The spring musical is a big deal at the school, a collaboration between the dance, drama, and choral classes. I'm a bit nervous about it because it is such a big deal. If this was supposed to be something smaller, like a recital (I've got to work on one of those in a couple of weeks, too), it wouldn't be as much of a big deal, but lighting is more important in a show like this. In a recital or even a pageant, the only real important thing is for the parents to be able to see their kids on stage, but for a real show, lighting can make or break a scene. I'm comforted in the fact that I'll have my usual lighting assistant...he knows what he's doing and is good at it (he's saved my ass a few times when I got stuck for a design here and there), and the choice of shows. They're doing Aladdin this year...seems that the Disney theme from last year's Beauty and the Beast stuck. While there will be obvious difference between this and the Disney version, there should be enough similiarity for me to work with.

The big downside to this show, other than my usual transportation issues, is most of the students I've gotten used to working with over the past couple of years graduated last year. That means there will be a whole new group of people who I don't know and who don't know how I work. I have a new group to teach my 'everyone gets nice once' rule. I try not to turn into a mega bitch when working on a show, but, if they won't listen when I try to be nice, it means they won't listen unless I'm a bitch. They don't know that if they piss me off they either get bad lights or they dance in the dark. I really don't want to have to threaten to eat a few souls quite yet. I also have the feeling I will probably have to act as a stage manager as well. I really don't like that. I'm happy to help out with whatever is needed, but I don't like having to wrangle actors, call times, make sure props are where they need to be, or be in charge of the mics. I ended up having to do it on the last show I worked on, and did pretty well, but I just don't need the added stress quite yet...maybe next week, after I have the lights taken care of.

As I say with many of my endeavors, this will be, if anything, interesting. I am glad I have another chance to work with lighting, and this will be a new challenge for me, which isn't all bad. Hell, I'll probably bring my camera along so I can try to work on my photography a bit when there is a lull in the chaos.

On a less stressful note...
I actually found something that sort of works as stress relief...holy shit!  I've tried a number of things to try to relax, or at least calm down when irritated, but nothing had worked.  I was irritated over still not having my rehearsal schedule yesterday and decided to spend a little time out in the yard with my camera.  Aside from it being a bit too hot, and way too bright, it was enjoyable.  I've wanted to work on a bit of photography for a couple of months, but was lazy about it, or couldn't find a good time to do it.  Things sort of worked yesterday, Jason was at work, and, more importantly, his mother was out of state for the day, so I could go out without having to deal with questions (mostly from her).  After maybe an hour of taking pics of the trees, various plants, and whatever else struck me as interesting, and trying not to get dive bombed by the bees, I felt a lot better, and rather pleased with the overall results. 

Purgatory and stuff

So much going on lately...
For starters, I went to the final Purgatory Saturday and had a blast. I finally got to see neootaku for the first time in almost a year...it had been way too long since we got to see each other. I brought along the Russell after playing clothing designer for him, which was great (I owe him big time for being my hero when I fainted...if not for him, I probably would have gotten stepped on...many times). My friend, Mitch, even made the drive all the way from PA for this. It was so fantastic finally getting to meet him after knowing him for so long. A good time was had by all. Russell and Mitch got a set of fangs made...quite sexy on both of them, might I add. It was just so great seeing people I haven't seen in WAY too long, getting the hell out of the mother in-law's house, and taking in all of the eye candy...I wanted to kidnap a few of the cute girls to bring back to the hotel. Yeah, yeah, I know...bad Mel--I should be punished for the wicked thoughts. Aside from my momentary lapse of consciousness, the only thing I didn't enjoy was Jason not being there...he had to work, and the club scene really isn't his thing.  I did miss out on a bit of the fun simply because I was so distracted by everything, and I took up my usual babysitter stance (I always have to know the people I with me are ok, and I have to make sure at least one of them is nearby so the social anxiety doesn't kick my ass).

Now that I'm back to the usual dull routine. I'm trying to find the motivation to work on school, which is not going as well as I would like for it to. I plan to really start working toward getting my license soonish...it may have to just be a permit right now, but I'll take what I can get. I'm also hoping to find steady work soon. I've still got my occasional lighting jobs, which I enjoy doing, but its not enough.

I'm also trying to prepare for lighting two back to back shows. I'm nervous as hell about one of them since it is the musical of the year for the school I work through, and I pretty much get to fly solo on it. I'm used to being an assistant with these big shows, not the designer/stage manager/brat finder. To make things even more fun, most of the students who know not to piss me off and who have grown to respect me in there graduated last year, which means I have a whole new crop to put the fear of The Mel into. I'm really not that bad...I just get overstressed when working on a show, I don't need it added to by silly high school kids who haven't learned how to listen to anyone, or the divas...ugh, don't get me started on them. So I go into bitch mode and threaten to eat a few souls...I at least give them one warning before I start snarling. The second show won't be as bad, it will only be a commitment of a few days, and will be a dance/vocal recital. They tend to be on the dull side, but are easy to light.

I'm also hoping to get things worked out for another photo shoot.  Things really need to stop getting in the way.  I actually want to be in front of a camera again.